Never Spoken
by Hitokiri Gentatsu
Summary: A Revenge Arc piece. Kenshin wonders how to tell his companions about the truth behind Enishi's Jinchuu.


Never Spoken

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Author's Note: A Revenge arc one shot. Kenshin's thoughts as he sits alone before telling the others the reason for Jinchuu.

"You ask me what I want you to do. Then I will tell you. Suffer. I want you to suffer a living hell."

Yukishiro Enishi

Revenge Arc

Manga Vol. 19

I have never told them about my dark past. Not once in all the time I have stayed here have I spoken of the details of my life before arriving in Tokyo. After Kyoto, I believed all that was over and that I would never have to speak of it again. I thought I could leave it behind me, burying my past as I had buried the killer within me. I thought I could rest at last with no more dangers to face. I was finally able to relax and enjoy the new life I was making here. Things had been calm and peaceful, if not out in the world, then at least within the Kamiya Dojo's four walls for weeks after our return from Kyoto. For the first time in a long time, I knew peace and I believed that my life had come full circle, that all the ghosts of my past had been laid to rest and that I might be able to move on with my life without my past rising up to haunt me again.

Enishi's Jinchuu has proven to me how wrong I was. Yukishiro Enishi…my brother by marriage and the one loose end I had not considered. I had not thought of him in years, not since that day on the battlefield at Tobu Fushimi where I had seen him last. Now he has returned and seeks Heaven's Justice for the death of Tomoe by my own hand and his targets are anyone who I have had contact with no matter in what capacity that contact may have been in. Everyone I know or have known is in danger because of me and because of something I never had the courage to tell anyone before.

After Kyoto, Kaoru and the others think they know who and what I was. They believe they understand me and what I have gone through just to come this far but the reality is that they do not. They have no idea of what it was like back then, nor do they truly understand the person the Bakumatsu forced into existence within my own soul. They have only seen flashes of that other man and only heard rumors of what 'he' did back in those days of madness and violence. They have only just scratched the surface of that other life of mine because I have never let them see it for more than a brief moment because I have long feared their judgment on the subject of my past.

They cannot possibly understand what I have gone through in just twenty eight short years of life nor the strength of will that is required for me to just keep myself in control. They do not know about the countless sleepless nights or the days I spend in fear of releasing the killer that still sleeps within my heart. They do not know about the many nights in the past that I spent accompanied only by the sights and sounds of death and the smell of blood all around me, falling like red rain. They did not know me when I struggled daily with the hitokiri's urge to lash out when angry during the early years of my wanderings or how long I worked to find a peaceful way to settle disagreements without resorting to using my sword. They cannot know the cold rage that comes over me at those times when 'he' is in control and they don't see the constant struggle to stay the rurouni or the sorrow and agony hidden in my own heart. And, perhaps the most important thing of all, they do not know the secret of this scar or about Tomoe, my first love.

I have never told them because I was too afraid that their opinion of me would change like had happened so often in the past. Now they could die because of something they have no earthly idea about and that they should not even be involved in at all. I am the one at the center of this conflict. Mine was the sword that took Tomoe's life not anyone else's. It should be me that pays the price for this sin not the others but he will kill them just to break me. His only goal is to kill me not physically but to put me through living hell and to watch me suffer. He believes my friends are my weakness and while that may be the case they are also my strength. They are why I continue to live, despite the pain and guilt I carry and they can take care of themselves. 

Ten days. Such a short time in which to prepare for his coming. Ten days to find the answer that has been eluding me for years. There is only a short time before he returns here seeking his Jinchuu, his Heaven's Justice against me as well as the others and there is but one thing I must do. I must reach into that well of darkness that I had consigned my past to and bring back the memories of that time of chaos and bloodshed, which makes up my past life as the Hitokiri Battousai. I must relive all the details I have either forgotten or have strove for so long to forget. I must willingly allow myself to return to that time and place, even if it is only on memory. I must find the courage to tell them before it is too late to do so.

I have to tell them the secret to this scar that mares my left cheek. They must be told the truth behind the Jinchuu Enishi has planned for me and I must let them inside those memories I have kept hidden from them all this time. I cannot allow them to die without knowledge of why nor can I allow them to fight at my side without a clear understanding of the depths of my crime. I know that by doing so I risk losing all I have built here and that they may judge me harshly for it. I accept that willingly if the knowledge I pass on will help them to somehow survive this encounter. After all we have been through together this is a secret I can no longer afford to keep and I feel they merit the truth.


End file.
